My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
