Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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