im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
