what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
