Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
