Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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