you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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