Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
