dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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