the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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