Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
