I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
