well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
