I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
