You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
