I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
