even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
we should paint friendship bongs
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
