Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
