If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
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thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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