dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
