i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She told me I should be a condom model.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
