that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
how does that bad decision feel?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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