Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
