i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
