Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
