if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
