I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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