my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
