i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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