There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
