Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found the puke drawer
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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