I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
