I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
