Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
