After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
