There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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