I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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