Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
