He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
