I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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