My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
