The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
