Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
