someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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