i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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