You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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