i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize