I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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