she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
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