Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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