I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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