if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
