Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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