my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
