I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
